“Fundamentally, people are suckers for the truth.”
Donald Sutherland, JFK, RIP
Song: Dear Me – Eric Hutchinson
Article: Assume Lack of Context by Seth Godin
Thought: I was following behind a truck pulling a boat on the highway. They had failed to secure all the paper products in the boat and it was pouring a mixture of plates and napkins all over the place. So much litter and possibly dangerous to others. My first thought was “what an asshole.” I wish my first thought had been “I bet they don’t know and would probably be so embarrassed.”
I have a Hebrew tattoo that reads in English “let the words of my mouth and the inspiration of my heart be pleasing in your sight.” I got it when I was much more religious as a reminder to speak and think kindly. I thought I knew how hard that was at 30. At 40, I realize I don’t have a clue how truly difficult that is (see paragraph 1).
I’ve become quite disillusioned by friendships. I’m a fairly connected person who likes to reach out in whatever way available (in-person at a conference, text, call, insta, etc.). I’m realistic these days that people tend to be very busy and the over-saturation of tech can just be overwhelming leading to disconnecting. I don’t subscribe to “if they could or cared, they would” anymore. I’ve also come to realize that I’m just not everyone’s favorite flavor (a difficult truth for a recovering people pleaser). If you are reading this, it’s unlikely I’m referring to you.
I wish my first thought when I don’t heart back over a text, email, call, etc. was “I hope everything is okay and they are probably just swamped.” Usually it goes more like “oh no, what did I do? Why don’t they like me? How do I repair this?” In some instances, it’s “fuck um.” Pretty antithetical to the tattoo on my arm and my values.
For those I harm with words and actions (intentionally or unintentionally), I will show up to take accountability with humility. If that’s you, and you are willing, I’m eager to find reconciliation over anything, anytime collaboratively. Vulnerability is one of my values.
More often that not, I haven’t done anything harmful enough to not hear back within a responsible amount of time (hours, days, a week) as the situation would warrant. Ghosting is one of the worst things for an anxious, people-loving person. So what’s the answer? Boundaries. I just need to say “okay,” grieve it fully and move forward with those who do show up. It’s not the answer I really want but it’s the candid self talk I need. I can wish everyone well on their journey remembering “kind words, helpful thoughts.”