“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.”

Capt. Jack Sparrow

Song: Kill your Heroes by AWOLNATION

Article: The Growing Burden of “Reply ASAP” Culture by Zuva Seven

Thought: I choose my thoughts, that lead to my emotions, that result in my actions. No one takes that control from me. This soundtrack comes from my work in therapy doing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for over four years. I felt completely hijacked by emotions and out of control. So I got help and here’s what I learned.

CBT takes a lot of work beginning with journaling and reading out loud raw thoughts (you sound crazy too). Then you attach emotions to those thoughts in a more expansive way than just happy, sad or mad. I spent months tearing apart my thoughts, learning a new vocabulary of emotions and thought distortions and re-writing them to make them 1) factual and 2) helpful. If a thought doesn’t meet both criteria, then it’s irrational. I also learned to stop assigning good or bad judgements to emotions and focus on if they are helpful.

The power for me comes back to if I want to respond and react to irrational thoughts. I get a choice. I can simply let them go or re-write them to be rational. It takes a considerable amount of practice and discipline at first. But it has gotten easier and I’m happier for it. I’ve learned that very little of other people’s reactions are about me. I’ve learned to stop thinking beyond the words being said and mind-reading (I can just ask). I’ve learned to stop fortune-telling the future cause I suck at it anyways. I’ve learned that everyone doesn’t need to see every emotion I experience. It doesn’t make me “more authentic” to show everything.

I’ve learned control in a way that strengthens my empathy and compassion. I say “they must just be having a bad day” and “they must just be in the middle of something” a lot more often.

“Our only chance at dismantling racial injustice is being more curious about its origins than we are worried about our comfort.”

Austin Channing Brown

Song: Sad Sad Sad by ROSIE

Article: Stop asking children these six questions by Ozan Varol

Thought: Week five in my soundtrack series is a famous one from Brene Brown – “I’m here to get it right, not to be right.” The context for her quote was predominately about racial injustice; however, I found found it to apply more broadly for myself.

I struggle to be curious, which is why many of my Soundtracks have a similar theme. I’m an ally to my LGBTQ+ friends and community. I’m an ally to people of color and fight/speak out towards racial injustices. I’m an ally to those who practice their religions faithfully even when they differ from my own beliefs. Not being directly part of these communities requires me to stay curious and I might (will) get it wrong sometimes. It’s uncomfortable and necessary. It also means I might have to change my beliefs on what I thought was true.

Rather than take it personal, I choose to say “I’m here to get it right, not be right so please help me.” The depth of learning I’ve experienced from just this simple phase is immense. It applies beyond social issues and into disagreements with friends, family, co-workers, etc. When I show up with the “get it right” vs. “be right” attitude, it has the power to defuse tensions. So I choose it as often as I can – why be right and lonely?

“Prediction is very difficult, especially if it’s about the future”

Neils Bohr, physicist and philosopher

Song: The Future Freaks Me Out by Motion City Soundtrack

Article: How to reconnect with an old friend by Santana Gupta

Thought: Week four in the soundtrack series comes from Jon Acuff – If I am going to predict the future, I might as well pick a positive one. Having anxiety feels like being stalked by a mountain lion – every turn he’s there. There are moments of calm that come when I can breathe without the chase. Mostly when I stop trying to predict and plan the future.

I am awesome at coming up with the 99 future possibilities but absolutely shit at getting it right. So I just stopped once I no longer found it beneficial to be wrong. Now, if I do choose to fortune tell, I go with the most optimistic version I come up with. It probably won’t happen but neither will the most scary version either. It’s better to sit with the positive one than the negative one – both are not real. I am not my thoughts. My future is not my thoughts.

So I tamed the lion by turning it into a bunny. I trust the universe that if it’s meant for me it will be.

“All our journeys are in our minds”

Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick). Vikings Season 4

Song: Where’s the Love by Trevor Hall

Thought: This soundtrack comes from Glennon Doyle – You’re actually not a mess at all; you’re just a feeling person in a messy world. In so many ways, I was indoctrinated to think I was a mess and needed to be cleaned up (fixed). I would routinely tell myself I’m a mess believing people in my life. It wasn’t until I read Untamed by Glennon that I realized it was not about me at all.

I choose to feel and sit with what comes. That doesn’t mean every feeling has to be expressed or acted on but it does need to be observed and respected.You don’t have to look far these days to see the messy world around us and I am grateful to feel the corners of emotions from enraged to ecstatic to despair to serene. Feelings are a superpower of changes.

I feel enraged when the rights of women are being taken by men. I feel frightened watching the capital being ransacked. I feel hopeless about mass shootings at grocery stores, synagogues, black churches and schools. I am furious as we consume endless amounts of stuff that pollutes our land and oceans.

I don’t have an answer to these challenges but I’m grateful to feel them enough to want one.

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity”

Dorothy Parker

Song: Hallelujah by Panic! At The Disco

Article: Curiosity vs Being Right (YouTube)

Thought: The third Soundtrack in this series is: curiosity beats criticism. I feel criticism. The walls are up, my chest is tight, and my thoughts and words become point-counter point. Critical sentences don’t start with “how might we…” or “Interesting, tell me more.” My criticism is flavored with antagonism: pride, ego, and desire to be right not better.

Curiosity beats criticism is an easy mantra I use to settle down. It’s memorable, it requires a breathe (or five), it’s easy to write down (sometimes I just write CBC). Curiosity is to Tom Brady as criticism is to Baker Mayfield. I can choose to play the game like either so would I rather be the GOAT or sitting on the bench.

I also know this soundtrack requires grace for myself and others. It’s taken a lot of practice to get this one right. A gentle, curious question has the ability to defuse a lot of situations. I’ve yet to find a critical one that does the same.

“Empathy is a tool of compassion. We can respond empathically only if we are willing to be present to someone’s pain. If we’re not willing to do that, it’s not real empathy.”

Brené Brown

Song: Cool Kids by Echosmith

Article: How To Have More Empathy by Melli O’Brian. This resources has a 3-min video by Brené Brown that is soooo good for conveying the difference between sympathy and empathy.

Thought: Part 2 of the Soundtracks series is all about Empathy: Empathy is communicating that incredible healing message of “you are not alone.”

This thought is a direct Brené Brown quote. I learned about empathy from my friend Ben Marré. We were sitting in a Starbucks and I was complaining about a co-worker not showing up and getting things done. He asked a simple question that forever changed me. “What if you asked them about what might be going on at home?” Turns out there was a lot and it had nothing to do with me or work.

Empathy is one of my core values. I want to sit on your side of the couch even when I don’t know what to say or how to help. I’m willing to crawl down into the darkness until we both find a way out. I’m not there to fix it; I’m there to sit with you in it. Communicating “you are not alone” builds connection while a sympathetic ear makes it about me. I’ve needed many people to show me empathy, regardless of my deserving it, and when they have, they have shown what love really is.

When I get the chance to share this gift, I take it. We all deserve to know that “you are not alone.” And to remind myself – “you are not alone” too.

“I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”

Brené Brown

Song: A Letter To My Younger Self by Quinn XCII

Article: Encouragement and Reassurance by Seth Godin

Thought: I’m starting a series based on my Soundtracks. The first one is: In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you. The experiences I’m prone to “hate” fall in three categories: Romantic, Religion and Career.

I’ve been single, dated, married, divorced, and in and out of love. Those experiences are filled from edge to edge of the emotional spectrum: despair to elation. I’ve chose to reframe what success means – growth, connection, and empathy. As much agony as I’ve gone through in romance, I can have regret without hating what I’ve experienced. I remain friends with my exes, often close ones, because it’s about how they’ve made me better and not how I’ve been hurt.

In religion, I’ve passed through traditional to undefined. These days, I follow where the Universe takes me. Traditional religion was filled with judgement, shame and self denials. I remain in therapy working through my past but one thing is true: many of my best friends were found through religion. I’m grateful for them and their impact in my life everyday. So with all the religious shame I battle, I can’t deny religion’s impact in the friendships I have today. The Universe connected us how it saw fit to. My relationship with religion can be messy without hating the friends I made along the journey.

My career has had its ups and downs; I’ve fortunate to say mostly ups. I’ve taken roles that weren’t well suited for me. I worked for bosses I didn’t feel valued or respected by. I’ve worked several places through countless re-orgs. What have I learned? The grass is green where it’s watered. Every job has its lawn and, frankly, they are all pretty similar. What’s different are the greener parts. I learned more from the brown spots than the green patches. Regret has changed my approach to be a better teammate, supervisor and leader. Without some of those regretful roles, I wouldn’t know who to show up better for me and others.

So where I’ve been in romance, religion and my career, instead of choosing guilt, shame, hatred, I choose to love who I am.

“Unhappiness comes when you muddy up your mix – trying to play tennis by the rules of golf might be funny, but it’s not very productive.”

Bill Burnett and Dave Evans from Designing your WORK life

Song: Next Life by ROSIE

Article: Why We Laugh by Sophie Scott

Thought: Some friends and I had a supper club dinner where we each brought a dish and hung out together. We played Ester Perel’s game called “Where Should We Begin?” which is an apples-to-apples style game where you each toss in a card with a prompt for the person to answer. It was a great way to get to know one another better but the thing that stood out to me was the laughter. Laughter alters our dopamine and serotonin levels – the bodies “feel-good” chemicals. It’s hard to overstate how much I have missed being with people just laughing. In the past two years, those instances have been more rare. Zoom/Teams are not the same kind of laughter as seeing the full body laughter that comes from a misplaced word or self deprecating story in person. This week, I’ll get to spend time with people at a professional event and do the same – smile, laugh, enjoy the shared experience. Laughter ignites a passion in me to be creative. If this pandemic has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t live without being in a room filled with laughter. And maybe to wash my hands more.

“Being human is not about feeling happy. It’s about feeling everything.”

Glennon Doyle

Song: Gonna Be Some Changes Made by Bruce Hornsby

Article: The problem with pursuing happiness by Ozan Varol

Thought: There are two main ways we find planets – the wobble and the shadow. The wobble happens to the star from the gravitational force of nearby planets. We measure the change in color (wavelength) as it’s distance changes. The second method happens when a planet passes between its star and us. We measure the dimming light. These are incredibly small changes due to the sizes and distances but remain measurable. Most days, I can’t sense or measure my changes. With the right instrument and scale they become more apparent. Small changes, small measurements, big discoveries – from a wobble (force) or a shadow (light)? What new world in myself will be discovered and how will I measure it?

“Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character.”

Vince Lombardi

Song: Crooked Teeth by Death Cab for Cutie

Article: Everyday Routines Make Life Feel More Meaningful by Matthew Sutton

Thought: A few years ago I picked up a daily skin care routine. Wash with cleanser, spritz with toner, apply serum, dab eye cream, and moisturize with light lotion. Then I added a night routine; wash face, apply night serum, comb in leave-in hair conditioner and apply restorative lip balm. Guess what? I still get acne. I still get ingrown hairs. I still get spots and sunburned. Adding all that routine made me feel better and probably does make a difference but expecting the unattainable is unrealistic. My routine isn’t about the outcome (e.g., perfect skin); my routine sets my intention (e.g., healthy habits). Intention doesn’t need to be complicated just meaningful; a simple SPF face lotion will do wonders for the skin.