Gentle On Yourself

“We think too much and think too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.”

Charlie Chaplin

Song: These Days by Rudimental

Article: Unraveling my ambition pt.1 and pt.2 by Shab Ferdowsi

Thought: Last week my son, Judah, turned 13 and officially became a teen. It got me thinking about what I wish I knew at 13. Of course there are dozens of lessons he is likely to learn on his own the next few years but one I want to impart to him is to be gentle on yourself.

I’m not gentle on myself through my mistakes. I grew up believing “B” stood for bad. It sapped all the joy out of trying anything if I couldn’t do it perfectly from the start. It’s part of the reason I hate losing much more than I enjoy winning. I forget the wins very quickly but the loses, years later, I remember in detail.

I’ve been told I can be hard on others and expect perfection. For anyone who thinks I have ever had high standards for them, it is incomparable to the standards I hold myself too. I hate making mistakes big and small. Often my mistakes are just misunderstandings or awkwardness but it doesn’t matter in my mind – I’m terrible and no one likes me.

I am unlearning the voice in my head that tells me I’m not loved or forgiven for mistakes. I’m using the word “learning” and the phrase “oh, well” more often than “screw up.” I’m learning to apologize for my impact but not necessarily for effort to be vulnerable. I hurt people with my words and actions and I am deeply sorry for those instances. I remember every word and it relive it again and again.

I want Judah to make mistakes. I want him to try lots of things. I want him to be gentle on himself when things work out differently than he hoped or planned for. Life has too many experiences to enjoy to worry about getting it right all the time. Maybe by 40 I’ll learn to be more gentle on myself too.